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何以为家

何以为家

我们翻译这篇文章的理由

在关注叙利亚的同时,希望读者能思考这样一个问题:文中的母亲是否有权利将自己的孩子带到这样一个水深火热的世界?

——宋一

👇

在战区抚育孩子

作者:Waad al-Kateab

译者:宋 一

校对:刘 蕊

策划:宋一&唐萧

What it’s like to bring up a baby in a war zone

在战区抚育孩子

Syria was at war, but I’d fallen in love with my friend, Hamza, and we wanted to get married. We’d met at Aleppo University during the protests in 2011 against Bashar al-Assad’s government and we were together through everything as things got worse. Hamza had just finished medical school and I’d done an economics degree, but I wanted to be a journalist and had started making short films. Our wedding was small but beautiful. A little group of us danced and sang so loudly that we couldn’t hear the bombs exploding outside. Happy as we were, Hamza and I decided that it wasn’t a great time to have a child. It was 2015, and though the siege of Aleppo wouldn’t start until the following year, the government had taken over the skies, shooting at the rebels who had taken control of part of the city. It seemed mad to get pregnant amid all the chaos.
叙利亚硝烟弥漫,我和我的朋友哈姆扎却坠入了爱河,并且打算步入婚姻的殿堂。2011年,我们在反对巴沙尔·阿萨德政府的抗议中相识于阿勒颇大学。事态恶化的那段时间,我们一起经历了风风雨雨。那时候,哈姆扎刚读完医学院,我刚拿到经济学学位,但其实我想做一名记者,也已经拍了几部微电影。我们的婚礼不铺张,但别有情调。一群人载歌载舞,歌声甚至盖住了外面的炮火轰鸣。当时虽然很开心,但是我和哈姆扎都认为,现在不是要孩子的好时候。那会是2015年,虽然直到2016年阿勒颇才封锁,但当时叙利亚政府军已经占领了天空,向着控制城市部分地区的反叛军射击。在这样一片混乱中想要孩子可能是疯了。
Three months after the wedding, we had found a home with a little courtyard I adored, and despite everything that was going on around us, we started daydreaming about having a baby. Things were so dangerous, but I couldn’t stop wondering: what are we waiting for? We might be killed, we might be forced to leave the country – but I still wanted us to have our own family and start living the life we’d dreamed of in the city we loved so much. There was so much we could do to help Aleppo: Hamza being a doctor and me a journalist. We decided that bringing a child into the world would be a sign of resilience and strength.
结婚后三个月,我们有了自己的家,还带着一个我很喜欢的小院子。虽然当时周遭一团乱,我们却开始想着生一个宝宝。事态很危急,但我却忍不住想:我们还在等什么?我们可能被杀,可能被逼远走他乡,但我真的很想在我们深爱的城市拥有一个家,过上梦想中的生活。哈姆扎是医生,我是记者,我们能为阿勒颇做许多事。我们认为,给世界带来一个新的生命会是韧性和力量的表现。
Within a month I was pregnant with Sama. Like women all around the world, I was overwhelmed. Should I breastfeed? Should I bottlefeed? What food do I need to eat? I was always googling things. The siege hadn’t started yet so I could still get a lot of the things I needed. In some ways I was like any woman in peacetime waiting for her first child. But in other ways life was entirely different. I would always make sure I had music on my phone. When the planes started swooping above, I’d play something and place it next to my tummy, and I’d try to think my way out of what was happening.
不到一个月,我就怀上了萨玛。像全世界所有的女人一样,我一时手足无措。喂母乳还是奶粉?我该吃什么?我不停地在谷歌。当时封锁还没有开始,所以许多需要的东西我都能买到。在某些方面,我和和平年代等待自己的第一个孩子降生的所有妈妈没什么两样。但在另一些方面,生活却完全不是那回事。我要时刻确保我的手机里存着音乐。这样当头顶上飞机俯冲而过时,我能放点什么,然后把手机放在我的肚子上,努力装作现在什么都没发生。
I was so stressed and scared, but I also felt powerful. I’d be filming a massacre seeing the most horrible things anyone could ever imagine, and I’d feel Sama’s kicks in my belly and suddenly be filled with strength. I’d seen so many people die but I was still able to bring life into this world. Some of my friends told me I was crazy to have a baby but to me it felt right.
虽然压力很大很害怕,但我觉得自己很强大。当时我在拍一部大屠杀的影片,记录了常人难以想象的恐怖事件。但每当我感觉到萨玛在肚子里踢我的时候,我就充满了力量。目睹了那么多死亡,我仍能为这个世界带来新生。我的一些朋友跟我说我是疯了才要孩子,但我觉得我就该这么做。
I was lucky, because by that time we were living in the hospital Hamza ran (we moved there when the siege started), so I could turn to everyone there for advice. We had such a strong community. Other mothers in particular gave me so much support. There’s a difference between men and women: when I’m scared or stressed or angry or happy, I want to share it and analyse it. Hamza, on the other hand, might feel all the same things, but he would just want to ignore it. Some of the mothers had older kids who asked them thousands of questions about everything, all the time. When they got scared they would reassure them by telling them that the White Helmets or the Civil Defence would come and rescue them. They were like the equivalent of Batman or Spider Man.
我很幸运,因为当时我住在哈姆扎管理的医院(我们是在封锁开始时搬到那去的),所以我可以向周围任何人寻求意见。我们的社区很团结。尤其是其他的妈妈,她们给予了我莫大的帮助。男人和女人有一个区别:当我害怕,压力大,生气,或者开心的时候,我想要分享和分析。哈姆扎虽然也能和我一样感同身受,但他只会选择忽视。有些母亲的孩子大一些,他们总是问这问那,什么都想要知道。每当孩子担惊受怕,这些母亲都会安抚他们说白头盔(公民防卫)会来救他们,就像蝙蝠侠或蜘蛛侠的化身。
Being a working mum was more controversial than it would be in lots of other places. People were used to seeing female journalists from other countries, but they didn’t expect to see a Syrian woman reporting, especially a pregnant one. They would be like, “Oh she’s playing with her camera” or “You’re pregnant and you’re doing this?” But once they started seeing that I was doing real news, on the TV, not just playing with my hair, they started to understand what I was trying to do. I had great access to other women – I could take my camera to places no men could go.
在阿勒颇,挺着大肚子工作比在其他许多地方更惹人非议。人们看惯了来自外国的女记者,但是一个叙利亚女人来报道,尤其是她还怀有身孕,这让他们大吃一惊。他们会感叹,“看她在摆弄摄像机”,“怀孕了还能这样?”但当他们开始明白我是在做真正的新闻报道,而不只是在摆弄我的头发,他们就开始明白我在努力做什么了。我能接触到许多女人,因为我能扛着摄像机到男人去不了的地方。
When Sama was seven months old I found out I was pregnant with Taima, my other daughter. The siege was at its worst and we were still living in the hospital, while the bombs rained down outside. It was like living in a nightmare. I assumed I’d been feeling so tired and unwell because my body had shut down thanks to stress and malnutrition. We hadn’t planned to have another baby: it was a disaster. I remember sitting for four hours one afternoon, just staring at a white wall. I felt so desperate. But then something changed in me. I started to feel a sense of hope again.
萨玛七个月大的时候,我发现我怀上了泰玛,我的第二个女儿。那正是封锁最严的时候,我们还住在医院,大街上依然炮火不断。就像一场噩梦。我觉得自己心力交瘁,因为压力和营养不良,我的整个身体都垮掉了。我们没打算再要一个孩子,这简直是一场灾难。我记得,有天下午我呆呆地瞪着一睹白墙,枯坐了四个小时。我感到万念俱灰。但随后,我的内心发生了一些变化。我又一次感受到了一丝希望。
We had put some nappies in storage so I had a good supply, but other mothers I knew had to use old cloths, which were completely impossible. There was no water to clean them. There was no food, nothing nutritious at all. It really felt like we were living through the apocalypse. One day a friend gave me a tomato, just one, and it gave me a moral dilemma. Do I give it to Sama? Or should I eat it, to help Taima grow in my womb?
我们事先储存了一些尿布,所以不需要担心不够用,但我认识的有些母亲只能用旧衣服做尿布用,这在我看来完全不可行,因为没有水洗尿布。此外,完全没有食物,没有任何有营养的东西,我们像是生活在世界末日。一次,一个朋友给了我一个土豆,这让我陷入了道德的两难。我该给萨玛么?还是自己吃了,让腹中的泰玛更好地成长?
During both my pregnancies I had these crazy cravings for quince. It was torture. I remember when I was pregnant with Taima, posting on Facebook: “People of Aleppo, I’m dying for a quince!” I got so many responses, some of them from people I didn’t even know. Somehow, there must have been some quince trees left in the city. Some people had quince in the freezer – there’s a famous Aleppian meal made from quince. So many people arrived at the hospital with quinces that within three days I actually had more than I could ever have eaten. It’s these small things that really mean everything when you’re living in such hell.I ran out of formula milk once when Sama was eight months old, which was terrifying. I had no idea whether it was best to let her eat solid foods or not. In the end I had to let her eat things which I know now she shouldn’t have eaten. But it was that or starve. Once I gave her some milk that had expired. I knew it was bad but I didn’t have any other choice. It made her sick for two weeks.
两次怀孕期间,我都特别想吃榅桲。太难熬了。还记得怀泰玛的时候,我在脸书上求救,“阿勒颇的朋友,我想榅桲都快想死了!”我收到了许多回复,其中一些人我甚至都不认识。但城内一定还种着些榅桲树吧。有的人在冰箱里存着榅桲,因为这是一道阿勒颇名菜的原材料之一。所以不出三天,就有许多人来医院给我送榅桲,多到我都吃不了。当你生活在水深火热之中,正是这些小事让你的生活有了意义。萨玛八个月的时候奶粉用完了,这把我吓坏了。我不知道现在该不该让她吃固体食物。最后,我让她吃了一些我知道她现在不该吃的东西。但是,如果不吃的话,就要挨饿。有一次我给她喝了一些过期牛奶。我知道这样不对,但是我别无选择。她因此病了两个星期。
Clothes were also a big problem. It got so cold when Sama was six months old, but the only jacket I could find was for a two-year-old. She was so tiny and swimming in these huge clothes. I always felt so guilty. I wanted to give Sama the toys she wanted, the nice environment she deserved. I wanted to take her out to a playground. I just wanted her life to be nice, normal and safe.
穿也是个大问题。萨玛六个月大的时候,天气转冷,但我唯一能找到的夹克,是给两岁的孩子穿的。她太小了,衣服大到她能在里边游泳。我时刻处在内疚之中。我想给萨玛她想要的玩具,给她提供她应得的成长环境。我想带她去操场玩。我只是想要她的生活美好,平平淡淡,没有危险。
We would sing rhymes to keep her calm when things got tense. Sometimes, after big days where I’d been out filming late, I’d be so overwhelmingly tired and Sama would be wide awake, ready to play. My group of friends was a big help. They would say, “Give me Sama. We’ll sit here, and you go sleep!” I miss them now that I live in east London. We fled Aleppo on the advice of the United Nations in December 2016, six days before Sama’s first birthday and when I was five months pregnant with Taima. In some ways, life can be quite lonely, because I don’t have that community any more.
事态紧张的时候,我们会唱点小曲来安抚她。有的时候,适逢动乱,我会出去拍摄到很晚才回家,整个人筋疲力尽,但是萨玛还完全清醒,准备和我玩。我的朋友帮了大忙。她们会说,“我们来照看萨玛,就坐这儿,你去睡。”如今住在伦敦东区,我很想她们。2016年12月,我们听从了联合国的建议,逃离了阿勒颇,当时还有六天萨玛过满岁生日,肚子里的泰玛才五个月大。从某些方面来说,生活会很孤独,因为我离开了那个社区。
Living in a war zone makes everything more intense. Each time I looked at Sama, I’d wonder if I’d get to see her grow up. Every minute of my life felt like it could be the last one. I could never escape that thought. It was with me all the time. I would give her all the love, too much, more than any mother could have in one lifetime. I treated every single moment with her as precious. We might have been doing something very mundane, like changing a nappy or getting ready for bed, but everything felt extraordinary. But this also meant that when I was scared, it became too much to bear. I couldn’t stand that all the terrible things I was imagining were things that really could happen.Part of me is sure that Sama knew what was going on, because she never reacted to things in the way that a baby normally would. There were so many times where she just kept sleeping while the whole world outside was a disaster. I’d start to worry that it meant that shelling and bombs were normal to her. But if I wanted to feel hope, I would think: “Oh, she doesn’t understand the danger: this is good.” And sometimes I just felt like my heart was breaking because it seemed like she was staying calm to help us cope.
在战争区生活一切都更加紧张。每次看到萨玛,我都会想我能不能看她长大。我生活中的每一分钟都像是最后一分钟。我满脑子里都是这个念头。我会给她我全部的爱,多到任何妈妈一生所能付出的爱都无法与之相比。我珍惜和她在一起的每分每秒。我们做的事可能再平常不过,可能只是给她换尿布或者铺床,但是这一切都意义非凡。但这也意味着,每次我害怕,都怕到不能自已。我受不了我脑海中的可怕事件真的有可能发生。某种程度上,我确信,萨玛知道发生了什么,因为她的反应不像其他孩子那样。有许多次,窗外虽然乱翻了天,但是她能继续睡觉。但如果我想积极乐观些,我就会想:“她不知道外边很危险,这很好。”但有的时候我觉得自己的心都碎了,因为似乎她在努力保持镇定,来安抚我们。
Sama is nearly four now and Taima is two. Because of the life we’ve lived, both my daughters are very accepting of change: they don’t make a fuss if there’s a new babysitter, for instance. Sama is an independent little lady. If she wants to eat, she won’t come to me and say, “Mamma, I’m hungry, can you get me some food.” She’ll go take a chair and pull it over to the fridge. We’ll say “Sama sweetheart, what are you up to?” and she’s already standing on the chair, nose in the fridge, sorting out what she wants to eat.
萨玛如今四岁,泰玛两岁。因为我们以前的生活,我的两个女儿对改变适应力都很强,比如换了新的保姆,她们不会哭闹。萨玛现在已经是个独立的小大人了。如果她想吃东西,她不会找我说,“妈咪,我饿了,可以给我找点儿吃的么?”她会自己拖个凳子到冰箱那去。我们会说,“宝贝儿萨玛,你想找什么呀?”那时她已经踩在了椅子上,鼻子探到冰箱里,看看她想吃什么。
But there are also many bad ways that our life in Aleppo has affected her. Since we left she’s had nightmares and wakes up through the night. We see therapists and doctors and they’ve explained that a lot of the problems that are cropping up now are because she’s so young that she can’t actually express herself. They’ve given us a list of things to do to help build structure and routine – something we never had before. It’s helped a lot. All the specialists say that children who are under two years old who live through traumatic things will feel the repercussions later in life. We can’t really know what lies ahead.
但阿勒颇的生活在很多方面对她产生了影响。我们逃离阿勒颇以后,她会做噩梦,会半夜醒过来。我们看过医疗专家和医生,他们解释说,现在出现的许多问题都是因为萨玛太小了,还无法表达自己。他们给我们列出了帮萨玛形成自己的生活模式的方法,有些事我们之前从没做过,但帮助很大。所有的专家都说,两岁以下的孩子如果经历过创伤,这会对她们以后的生活产生影响。我们真的不知道以后会怎么样。
Sama doesn’t remember Aleppo, but we’re trying to keep the city alive in her mind by talking with her about it. We tell her stories about what it was like before the war. If someone asks her where she is from, she always answers “Syria, Aleppo.”
萨玛对阿勒颇没有印象,但我们试着和她聊阿勒颇,让这座城市仍鲜活地存在于她的脑海中。我们和她讲阿勒颇战前的故事。如果有人问她来自哪,她总会回答,“我来自叙利亚的阿勒颇。”

何以为家

  • 本文原载于 1843

  • 原文链接:https://www.1843magazine.com/features/what-its-like-to-bring-up-a-baby-in-a-war-zone

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