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【AEON】为什么我们的友情会变质?

【AEON】为什么我们的友情会变质?


友谊并非都像我们想象的坦诚与公平:有些友谊很矛盾,既有积极感受也有消极的,不确定性让我们不得不时刻提心吊胆;有些友谊就是有害的,ta以自我为中心,让我们坐上情绪的过山车,对我们的伤害如同真正的中毒一样;还有些友谊的破裂却来自于一方善意的帮助。这些友谊伤我们有多深?为什么友情里也会有这么多问题?


为什么我们的友情会变质?


【AEON】为什么我们的友情会变质?


作者:Carlin Flora

译者:黄倩霞

校对:伍豪

策划:张松


Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. Why does friendship so readily turn toxic?

即便最好的朋友也会让你感到焦虑、厌恶。为什么友情会轻而易举地变成一种毒药?


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Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your ‘best self’, your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened, articulated one of your patterns, and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends, skipped between shared memories, and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions. Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her, and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard: happy, nourished and energised through it all. 

试想你和一位朋友并肩而坐,感觉自己被真正理解。也许你已经意识到,她是如何唤起了你“最好的自我”、最聪明的看法、最机智的笑话。她鼓励你,倾听你,帮你理清某一种行为模式,并提出柔和的建议,如何向更好的方向改变。你们两个人从共同的朋友,共同的记忆,谈论到一些珍贵的话题,彼此总能无缝衔接上对方的话,谈笑中充满着各种只有彼此才懂的表达。有时与她相处时,一股温暖的钦慕之情会涌上你的心头,同时你也为自己与她的相似感到骄傲。你因为这样一个自己高度重视的人也重视自己感到非常满足:从中获得快乐,滋养和活力。


These are the friendships that fill our souls, and bolster and shape our identities and life paths. They have also been squeezed into social science labs enough times for us to know that they keep us mentally and physically healthy: good friends improve immunity, spark creativity, drop our bloodpressure, ward off dementia among the elderly, and even decrease our chances of dying at any given time. If you feel you can’t live without your friends, you’re not being melodramatic.

这样的友情,充实了我们的灵魂,塑造起我们的人格,铺就了我们的人生道路。社会科学研究证实,友情有助于身心健康:结交好朋友能提高免疫力,激发创造力,降低血压,预防老年痴呆,甚至延缓死亡时间。要是你觉得离开朋友就活不下去,这一定不是在夸张。

melodramatic [‚melədrə’mætɪk◂] adj. exaggerative 夸张的


But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts, as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it, or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons, or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships; increasingly difficult friendships; and bad, gut-wrenching, toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant, but they come with a price. Friendship, looked at through a clear and wide lens, is far messier and more lopsided than it is often portrayed.

与大部分人际关系一样,即便让我们感到最自在、充实的友情,也会有紧张和冲突。友情会失去一些魔力,再也无法恢复,又或者,友情会因一些悲剧的原因消失——甚至没有任何缘由。所以,世界上还存在不那么轻松的友情、愈发艰难的友情、甚至坏的痛苦的有毒的友情。好朋友能带来丰富的乐趣和好处,但并非没有相应的代价。从一个清晰而宽阔的角度来观察就能发现,其实与人们所描绘的友情不同,真实的友情是混乱且不平等的。


The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal. This is shocking to people, since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldn’t list you?

给理想化的友情浇的第一桶冷水是,有数据表明,只有大约一半的友情是对等的。这令人震惊,因为有研究表明似乎所有人都想当然地认为所有的友情都是对等的。你能猜出你认为是朋友的人有多少也把你当作朋友吗?


One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational: a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people, but those higher up the social hierarchy have their pick (and skew the average). A corroborating piece of evidence, which was highlighted by Steven Strogatz in a 2012 article in The New York Times, is the finding that your Facebook ‘friends’ always have, on average, more ‘friends’ than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis from our status-obsessed world.

对友情中不对等的一个解释是许多人交友时,抱着一种渴求成功的心态:对青少年的研究表明,人们希望和受欢迎的人成为朋友,但社会等级更高的人选择朋友时则有自己的考量(他们会选择那些高于平均水平的)。史蒂文·斯特罗加茨(Steven Strogatz)在2012年《纽约时报》的一篇文章中指出了一个确凿的证据,即你的Facebook“朋友”平均拥有比你更多的“朋友”。在这个忙于追逐社会地位的人间,说友情是一方绿洲,或许言过其实。

aspirational [ˌæspɪˈreɪʃənəl] adj. having a strong desire to have or achieve something 渴望成功的;有抱负的

Ambivalent’ relationships, in social science parlance, are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common, too. Close to half of one’s important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted, more of those are family members (whom we’re stuck with) than friends, but still, for friendship, it’s another push off the pedestal.

在社会科学用语中,“矛盾”关系的特点是彼此间既依赖又冲突。你对有矛盾关系的人带有许多积极和消极的感受。接到他们的电话时会犹豫接不接。这样的关系也很常见。一个人的重要社会关系中,有近一半是矛盾关系。当然,比起朋友,我们与家人存在的矛盾关系更多,我们也更依赖他们。但对友情来说,这种矛盾的心态更会动摇其基础。

ambivalent [æmˈbɪvələnt] adj. not sure whether you want or like something or not〔心情〕矛盾的

Friends who are loyal, reliable, interesting companions – good! – can also be bad for you, should they have other qualities that are less desirable. We know through social network research that depressed friends make it more likely you’ll be depressed, obese friends make it more likely you’ll become obese, and friends who smoke or drink a lot make it more likely you’ll smoke and drink more.

忠诚,可靠,有趣的同伴是好的,但如果他们有一些不太理想的品质,也可能对你不利。社交网络研究说明,抑郁的朋友会使你更容易感到沮丧,肥胖的朋友更容易让你变得肥胖,和抽烟或喝酒的朋友接近你就更有可能吸烟或者喝酒。


Other ‘good’ friends might have, or start to have, goals, values or habits that misalign with your current or emerging ones. They certainly haven’t ‘done’ anything to you. But they aren’t a group that validates who you are, or that will effortlessly lift you up toward your aims over time. Stay with them, and you’ll be walking against the wind.

其他“好”朋友可能拥有或正开始拥有一些目标,价值观或习惯,与你目前拥有或正在形成的不相一致。当然不是对你做了什么。但这一类朋友没法帮助你确立人生坐标,随着时间的推移,他们会潜移默化地让你偏离人生目标。和他们在一起,你会逆风而行。

 misalign [,misə’lain] n.  noncoincidence 不重合;对偏;位移


In addition to annoying us, these mixed-bag friendships harm our health. A 2003 study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad from Brigham Young University and Bert Uchino from the University of Utah asked people to wear blood-pressure monitors and write down interactions with various people. Blood pressure was higher with ambivalent relationships than it was with friends or outright enemies. This is probably due to the unpredictability of these relationships, which leads us to be vigilant: Will Jen ruin Christmas this year?Ambivalent relationships have also been associated with increased cardiovascular reactivity, greater cellular ageing, lowered resistance to stress, and a decreased sense of wellbeing.

除了让我们烦恼外,这些复杂的友情也会危害健康。杨百翰大学的霍尔特伦斯塔德和犹他大学的伯特·内野在2003年进行了一项研究,要求参与者佩戴血压计并记下他们与不同人的互动。面对矛盾关系的人,比起面对朋友或彻头彻尾的敌人时,参与者的血压更高。这可能是由于矛盾关系的不可预测性,使我们保持警惕:珍会在今年破坏圣诞节吗?矛盾关系同心血管反应加剧,细胞老化加速,压力抵抗力降低以及健康状况恶化也有关。

cardiovascular [,kɑːdɪəʊ’væskjʊlə] adj. relating to the heart and blood vessels (= tubes through which blood flows around your body ) 心血管的


One research team, though, found that ambivalent friendships might have benefits in the workplace. They showed that in these pairings workers are more likely to put themselves in the other’s shoes, in part because they are trying to figure out what the relationship means and what it is. Also, because ambivalent friendships make you feel uncertain about where you stand, they can push you to work harder to establish your position.

然而,一个研究小组发现,矛盾的友情在工作场合可能有好处。研究表明,拥有矛盾关系的同事之间更有可能换位思考,部分原因是他们试图弄清楚这种关系的意义与本质是什么。此外,由于矛盾的友情使你对自己的立场感到不确定,会促使你更加努力地确立自己的位置。


Frenemies’ are perhaps a separate variety in that they are neatly multi-layered – friendliness atop rivalry or dislike – as opposed to the ambivalent relationship’s admixture of love, hate, annoyance, pity, devotion and tenderness. Plenty of people have attested to the motivating force of a frenemy at work, as well as in the realms of romance and parenting.

“友敌”可能友情里特别的一种,因为这种关系错综复杂,是在竞争和厌恶之上又叠加了一层友谊。而不像矛盾关系,是爱、恨、烦恼、怜悯、奉献和温柔的综合。很多人都证明了友敌对工作有激励作用,对浪漫关系和养育子女也同样有效。

frenemy [ˈfrɛnəmi] n. “Frenemy” (less commonly spelled “frienemy”) is a portmanteau of “friend” and “enemy” that can refer to either an enemy pretending to be a friend or someone who really is a friend but also a rival. 友敌


As with unhappy families, there are countless ways a friend can be full-on ‘bad’, no ambivalence about it. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver, and Sharon Livingston, a psychologist and marketing consultant in New York, have studied the issue, and found some typical qualities: a bad friend makes you feel competitive with her other friends; she talks much more about herself than you do about yourself; she criticises you in a self-righteous way but is defensive when you criticise her; she makes you feel you’re walking on eggshells and might easily spark her anger or disapproval; she has you on an emotional rollercoaster where one day she’s responsive and complimentary and the next she freezes you out.

和不幸的家庭一样,朋友也可能以各种方式对你产生完全“不好”的影响。不会让你觉得矛盾,只会对你产生不利。丹佛的临床心理学家苏珊海特乐和纽约的心理学家兼营销顾问沙伦利文斯顿研究了这个问题,发现了“坏朋友”的一些典型特质:一个坏朋友会让你觉得你在和她的其他朋友竞争; 她谈论自己比你谈论自己更多; 她以自以为是的方式批评你,但当你批评她时她却很抵触; 她让你觉得自己如履薄冰,一不小心就引起她的愤怒或不满; 她让你仿佛置身一辆情绪的过山车,有一天她对你热情积极、大加赞赏,又突然冷若冰霜。


In 2014, a team at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh found that, as the amount of negativity in relationships increased for healthy women aged over 50, so did their risk of developing hypertension. Negative social interactions – incidents including excessive demands, criticism, disappointment and disagreeable exchanges – were related to a 38 per cent increased risk. For men, there was no link between bad relationships and high blood pressure. This is likely because women care more about, and are socialised to pay more attention to, relationships.

2014年,匹兹堡卡内基梅隆大学的一个研究小组发现,随着50岁以上健康女性关系中消极情绪的增加,患高血压的风险也随之上升。负面的社会互动——包括过度要求,批评,失望和不愉快的交流等事件——与风险增加的相关性达38%。对于男性来说,不良关系和高血压之间没有联系。这可能是因为女性更关心并且更加注重社交关系。


Negative interactions can lead to inflammation, too, in both men and women. Jessica Chiang, a researcher at the University of California, Los Angeles, who conducted a study showing as much, has said that an accumulation of social stressors could cause physical damage, just like an actual toxin. 

对于两性而言,负面的人际交往都会导致炎症。洛杉矶加利福尼亚大学的研究员杰西卡•蒋表示,社会压力源的积累可能会导致身体受到伤害,就像真正的毒素一样。

inflammation [ɪnflə’meɪʃ(ə)n]n. swelling and pain in part of your body, which is often red and feels hot 发炎,炎症


Some of our most hurtful friendships start out good, but then became bad. Among teens, for example, the rates of cyber aggression are 4.3 times higher between friends than between friends of friends. Or as Diane de Poitiers, the 16th-century mistress of King Henry II of France, said: ‘To have a good enemy, choose a friend: he knows where to strike.’

一些最伤人的友情开始时很好,但后来变得很糟糕。例如,在青少年中,朋友之间的网络攻击率相比不直接相关的朋友高了4.3倍。16世纪法国国王亨利二世的情人黛安德普瓦提尔说:“想有一个好敌人,就先选择一个朋友:他知道哪里最伤人。”


The writer Robert Greene addresses the slippery slope in his book The 48 Laws of Power (1998). Bringing friends into your professional endeavours can aid the gradual crossover from ‘good’ to ‘bad’, he warns, in part because of how we react to grand favours:

作家罗伯特·格林(Robert Greene)在他的著作“权力的48条规则”(The Law of Power,1998)中阐述了滑坡这一概念。他说,将朋友带入你个人的事业会逐渐让友情从“好”变“坏”,部分原因在于我们以一种奇怪的方式来对待朋友的重大帮助:


    Strangely enough, it is your act of kindness that unbalances everything. People want to feel they deserve their good fortune. The receipt of a favour can become oppressive: it means you have been chosen because you are a friend, not necessarily because you are deserving. There is almost a touch of condescension in the act of hiring friends that secretly afflicts them. The injury will come out slowly: a little more honesty, flashes of resentment and envy here and there, and before you know it your friendship fades.

    奇怪的是,是你的善举使一切失去平衡。人们希望自己得到的优待是他们应得的。受到帮助会让人感觉很压抑:这意味着因为你是朋友而被选中,不一定是因为你值得。雇佣你的朋友,就像是屈尊俯就,悄然之间就对朋友造成了伤害。伤势会慢慢出现:对自己诚实一点,怨恨和嫉妒也已四处萌芽,在意识到之前,友情就已经消失了。


Ah – so too much giving and ‘a little more honesty’ are friendship-disrupters? That conclusion, which runs counter to the ethos of total openness and unlimited generosity between friends, provides a clue as to why there are so many ‘bad’, ‘good and bad’, and ‘good, then bad’ friends. In his paper ‘The Evolution of Reciprocal Altruism’ (1971), the evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers concludes that ‘each individual human is seen as possessing altruistic and cheating tendencies’, where cheating means giving at least a bit less (or taking at least a bit more) than a friend would give or take from us.

啊——太多的付出和“对自己诚实一点”是友情的破坏者?这个结论与朋友之间应当完全开放且无限慷慨相悖。它提供了一个线索,为什么会有这么多“坏”,“好与坏”,“好而坏”的朋友。在他的论文“互利主义的演变”(1971)中,进化生物学家罗伯特·特里弗斯总结说“每个人都被认为拥有利他主义和作弊倾向”,作弊意味比另一个朋友付出的更少或从他那里得到的更多。

altruistic [ˌæltruˈɪstɪk◂] adj. altruistic behaviour shows that you care about and will help other people, even though this brings no advantage for yourself 利他主义的,无私的


Trivers goes on to explain that we have evolved to be subtle cheaters, with complex mechanisms for regulating bigger cheaters and also ‘too much’ altruism. He writes:

特里弗斯继续解释说,我们都是“小骗子”,具有复杂的机制规范“大骗子”的行为以及“过多”的利他主义。他写道:


In gross cheating, the cheater fails to reciprocate at all, and the altruist suffers the costs of whatever altruism he has dispensed without any compensating benefit… clearly, selection will strongly favour prompt discrimination against the gross cheater. Subtle cheating, by contrast, involves reciprocating, but always attempting to give less than one was given, or more precisely, to give less than the partner would give if the situation were reversed.

在大的作弊行为中,欺骗者不作出任何回应,而友情中付出的一方则出于利他主义付出了诸多代价,得不到任何补偿性利益……显然,人们都会毫不犹豫地选择歧视这样的大骗子。相比之下,小的作弊行为是有来有往的,但总是试图付出更少,得到更多,或者更确切地说,单以付出而论,付出的总比对方付出的更少。


The rewarding emotion of ‘liking’ someone is also a part of this psychological regulation system, and selection will favour liking those who are altruistic: good people do attract more friends (though being a high-status good person helps). But the issue is not whether we are cheaters or altruists, good or bad, but to what degree are we each of those things in different contexts and relationships.

“喜欢”某人是一种回报性的情绪,也是这种心理自我克制机能的一部分。人们总会偏向那些利他的人:利他的人确实能吸引更多朋友(当然,一个地位高的利他主义者朋友就更多了)。但问题不在于我们是欺骗者还是利他主义者,不在于我们是好人还是坏人,而在于我们在不同情况和关系中,我们有几分是作弊者有几分是利他主义者。


Perhaps this seesaw between cheating and altruism, which settles to a midpoint of 50/50, explains why 50 per cent keeps coming up in research on friends and relationships. Recall that half of our friendships are non-reciprocal, half of our social network consists of ambivalent relationships, and – to dip into the adjacent field of lie detection – the average person detects lies right around 50 per cent of the time. We evolved to be able to detect enough lies to not be totally swindled, but not enough to wither under the harsh truths of (white-lie-free) social interactions. Likewise, we’ve evolved to detect some cheating behaviours in friends, but not enough to prohibit our ability to be friends with people at all. As the seesaw wobbles, so do our friendships.

我们总是在欺骗主义和利他主义之间来回摇摆,最终可能达到平衡。这就解释了为什么50%这个数字不断出现在朋友和人际关系的研究中。回想一下,50%的友情是非互惠的,我们社交网络一半由矛盾关系构成,而且——如果甄别友情中的谎言——普通人在大约50%的时间内被检测到说谎。我们已经进化到能够发现谎言,不被完全欺骗,但不足以让我们洞悉社交活动中的所有真相(不包括善意的谎言)。同样,我们已经能够发现朋友的一些欺骗行为,但却无法限制我们继续与人交友。欺骗主义和利他主义的跷跷板会上下起伏,我们的友情也会。

wobble [‘wɒb əl] v. to move unsteadily from side to side, or make something do this 摇晃;使摇摆


Should this sound like a complicated business to you, Trivers agrees, and in fact speculates that the development of this system for regulating altruism among non-kin members is what made our brains grow so big in the Pleistocene. Many neuroscientists agree with his conclusion: humans are smart so that we can navigate friendship.

这听起来像是一件复杂的事情,特里弗斯表示同意,面对非亲属成员时,正是这种利他主义的调节系统使人类大脑在更新世中发展迅速。许多神经科学家都同意他的结论:人类很聪明,所以可以驾驭友情。

Pleistocene [‘plaistəusi:n] n. belonging to the period in the Earth’s history that started about two million years ago and ended about 10,000 years ago, when much of the Earth was covered with ice 更新世的〔约两百万年前至一万年前,其时地球表面多被冰层覆盖〕


The psychologist Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts (2002), found that 68 per cent of survey respondents had been betrayed by a friend. Who are these betrayers? At such high numbers, could ‘they’ be us?

心理学家简耶格尔在2002的著作《当友情变成一种伤害》中发现,68%的受访者被朋友背叛过。谁是这些背叛者?如此高的数字,’他们’可能是我们吗?


That scary thought leads me to ask: are we really striving to forgive small sins? To air our grievances before they accumulate and blow up our friendships? To make the effort to get together? To give others the benefit of the doubt? Are we giving what we can, or keeping score? Are we unfairly expecting friends to think and believe the exact same things we do? Are we really doing the best we can? Well, maybe that’s what most of our friends think they are doing, too. And if they aren’t being a good friend, or if they have drifted away from us, or we from them, maybe we can accept these common rifts, without giving into a guilt so overwhelming that it pushes us to slap a label on those we no longer want for friends: toxic.

这个可怕的想法促使我问道:我们真的在努力原谅那些小的罪恶吗?努力让所有的不满在不断积累、毁掉我们的友情之前化解?努力彼此相伴?给对方怀疑自己的权利?我们是否在尽我们所能,还是总在想当然地得到?我们是否不公平地期待朋友以自己的方式思考并相信自己所相信的东西?我们真的尽了我们所能吗?好吧,也许这就是大多数朋友认为他们正在做的事情。如果他们不是一个好朋友,或者已离开我们,或者是我们先离开,也许我们可以接受这些共同的裂痕,但不会感到内疚。更不会这样的友情贴上一个标签:认为这样的友情是“有毒”的。而只希望从此相忘于江湖。


When a friend breaks up with us, or disappears without explanation, it can be devastating. Even though the churning and pruning of social networks is common over time, we still somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are, especially if we’ve been intertwined with a friend for many years. Pulsing with hurt in the wake of a friend break-up, we hurl him or her into the ‘bad friends’ basket.

当一个朋友与我们分手,或者在没有解释的情况下消失,这可能是毁灭性的。即使朋友圈的更新换代随着时间的推移而变得普遍,我们仍然会以某种方式期待友情永远存在。友情的结束挑战我们对自己的认知,特别是相处多年的好友离开。在他离开后后,我们将他或她归到了“坏朋友”那一栏。

intertwine [‚ɪntə’twaɪn] v. if two situations, ideas etc are intertwined, they are closely related to each other(使)〔局势、观点等〕紧密相关


But, sometimes, we have to drop a friend to become ourselves. In Connecting in College (2016), the sociologist Janice McCabe argues that ending friendships in young adulthood is a way of advancing our identities. We construct our self-images and personalities against our friends, in both positive and negative ways.

但是,有时候,我们不得不丢掉一些朋友来成为自己。社交学家珍妮斯麦凯布在2016年的著作《大学时期的人际交往》中认为,在成年早期结束友情是形成自我身份的一种方式。我们以或积极或消极的方式对抗朋友,构建我们的自我形象和个性。


As much as we need to take responsibility for being better friends and for our part in relationship conflict and break-ups, quite a few factors surrounding friendship are out of our control. Social network embeddedness, where you and another person have many friends in common, for instance, is a big challenge. Let’s say someone crosses a line, but you don’t want to disturb the group, so you don’t declare that you no longer think of him as a friend. You pull back from him, but not so much that it will spark a direct confrontation, whereby people would then be forced to invite only one of you, but not both, to events. Sometimes we are yoked to bad friends.

尽管我们需要承担起作为朋友的责任,变得更好,也要负担起在关系冲突和分手当中的责任,但是围绕友情的许多因素都是我们无法控制的。例如,你和另一个人有许多共同朋友,处理这样的关系是一个巨大的挑战。比如某人做事过线,但你不想影响这个团体,所以你言明你不再认为他是朋友。你和他疏远,但不会发生直接的冲突,因此人们会被迫只邀请你们中的一个,而不是两个人参加活动。有时,我们也会被迫和坏朋友交往。


The forces that dictate whom we stay close to and whom we let go can be mysterious even to ourselves. Aren’t there people you like very much whom you haven’t contacted in a long time? And others you don’t connect with as well whom you see more often? The former group might be pencilling you into their ‘bad friend’ column right now.

决定与谁接近与谁分开对我们自己来说也琢磨不透。是那些你很久没有联系过的人是不是你深爱的人?不经常见到的人和经常在身边的人是否一样重要?也许那些你不常见的人已经把你当成了“坏”朋友。


Dealing with bad friends, getting dumped by them, and feeling disappointed with them is a stressful part of life, and it can harm your body and mind. Yet having no friends at all is a far worse fate. Imagine a child’s desperation for a playmate, a teenager’s deep longing for someone who ‘gets’ her, or an adult’s realisation that there is no one with whom he can share a failure or even a success. Loneliness is as painful as extreme thirst or hunger. John Cacioppo, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, has found associations between loneliness and depression, obesity, alcoholism, cardiovascular problems, sleep dysfunction, high blood pressure, the progression of Alzheimer’s disease, cynical world views and suicidal thoughts. But if you have friend problems, you have friends – and that means you’re pretty lucky.

与坏朋友打交道,被他们丢掉,对他们感到失望,是生活中沉重的一部分,它会伤害你的身心。然而,根本没有朋友是更糟糕的命运。想象一下,一个孩子对一个玩伴绝望,一个青少年迫切想要得到那些“接近”她的人,或者一个成年人意识到没有人可以与他们分享失败甚至是成功。寂寞就像极度渴望或饥饿一样痛苦。芝加哥大学社会学教授John Cacioppo发现了孤独与抑郁,肥胖,酗酒,心血管问题,睡眠功能障碍,高血压,阿尔茨海默病,愤世嫉俗的世界观和自杀念头之间的关联。但如果你有关于朋友的困惑,那你就有朋友——这意味着你很幸运。❑


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【AEON】为什么我们的友情会变质?

<原文链接:https://aeon.co/essays/when-a-friendship-turns-sour-more-than-feelings-get-hurt>

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