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【卫报】真爱易寻?

【卫报】真爱易寻?

真爱可以有好多个,但是陪伴走到最后共度一生的只有一个,或者说,在某个特定阶段只能有一个。


真爱易寻?

【卫报】真爱易寻?

译者:刘   蕊

校对:倪凌晖

策划:刘   璠


How many break-ups does it take to find ‘the One’?

分手多少次才能找到真爱?


本文选自 The Guardian | 取经号原创翻译

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Recently, a friend of mine crumpled in on herself over what I thought was a fairly normal lunch. “I need to stop breaking up with people,” she said into her vegetarian chilli. “I’m too picky, I need to settle or I’ll just end up alone like Cruella de Vil.”

最近我和一位朋友享用了一份在我看来极为普通的午餐,饭桌上她一蹶不振。“我不能再分手了,”她对着素食里的辣椒说道:“我太挑三拣四了,还是要安定下来,要不然就会像库伊拉•德•维尔(Cruella de Vil)那样孤独终老了。”

(译者注:迪士尼1961年经典动画片《101忠狗》的反派角色)


It’s not the greatest example to use, because Cruella has a husband, great clothes and admirable drive – but that aside, my friend is typical of so many women I speak to. Strong, independent, excellent women who struggle because they’ve been fed this idea that we were supposed to meet our significant other as teenagers, grow up, get married and never so much have looked at another person. 

库伊拉•德•维尔或许并不是最合适的例子,毕竟她已婚,还有豪车美服。但她却是我所有女性朋友中非常具有代表性的一位。她们坚强、独立、优秀却常常痛苦不已,因为她们被灌输了这样一种观念:我们应该在年少时遇见那个他,青梅竹马地长大,再步入婚姻的殿堂,从此“他人是路人”。


My boyfriend is a good 10 years older than me, and I’ve struggled a lot with his relationship history, considering that it includes an engagement and a lot of really exciting sounding holidays (but mainly the engagement) – because it doesn’t fit the narrative I’ve been fed. The narrative that my parents had. They met at 14 and that was, it seems, that. And not in a boring way either; they’re best friends, do everything together, and are single-handedly fuelling this myth that we are all floating around looking for the One when, the fact is, there are probably lots of Ones.

我男朋友比我大十几岁,对于他的情史我也是纠结了很久。他经历过一次订婚和许多听上去就很有趣的度假(但我纠结的主要还是订婚)。我之所以会有这样的情绪,是因为这和我被灌输的对婚姻和爱情的认识并不一样。我所认识的婚姻和爱情是像我父母那样的。他们14岁相遇,没错,就是这么年轻就相遇了,但其中的故事还挺有趣的。他们是彼此最好的朋友,什么事情都一起做。他们强化了我对爱情的一种误解:我们在尘世中浮浮沉沉只为追寻那一生一世一双人的爱情。但事实或许却是“一生一世几双人”。


This is backed up by a recent poll for the Guardian and TSB by Ipsos Mori, which showed that the average Brit will have had three long-term romantic relationships in their lifetime, instigating 2.29 break-ups themselves. If you vehemently refuse to let go of the romance, you could see this as people taking quite a few goes to get to the One. But it’s more likely that there are Ones for different stages in our lives, and one One wouldn’t necessarily still be a One even if it had worked out, because context is just as important in relationships as fancying the pants off them.

MORI市场研究公司(Ipsos Mori)为卫报(Guardian)和劳埃德TSB集团(TSB)近期展开的民调证实了这一点。民调显示,英国人一生中平均会经历时间较长且稳定的恋情3次,经历过2.29次分手。如果你对“一生一世一双人”的这种爱情非常执着的话,那你会认为人们经历不同的恋情只是为了最终能找到命中注定的那个TA。但真相可能是,在不同的人生阶段,我们的真命天子也会不同。就算你遇到了你认为的真命天子,也并不代表世界上不会有其他真命天子存在,因为在感情的世界里,外界因素和赤裸的欲望同样重要。

vehement /’viːəmənt,ˋviəmənt/ showing very strong feelings or opinions 感情强烈的;观点激烈的


In simpler terms, we often have to forsake the One to get a better One, and it will take nearly three break-ups to get there. Perhaps that’s because we change as we move through life. It makes sense that the person we were besotted with at 18 years old might not suit us when we’re in our 30s, after two career changes, two geographical overhauls and a new fringe.

简单来说,我们通常需要放弃一段恋情,才能寻找到更好的TA——大概经历三次分手,你才会找到那个真命天子。或许是因为人生走着走着,我们自己就变了。18岁时自己曾神魂颠倒的那个人,在换了两份工作,搬了两次家,换了一个新刘海后,对于已迈入30岁的我们来说也许不再合适。


I like to think that my boyfriend and I would have been together, had we been a similar age, whatever had happened, but that’s the fairytale narrative talking. We both met at a specific time, when we were single and needing specific things. As well as this, he has been fully in love with someone else. I have been fully in love with someone else. We might, in the future, fall in love with other people. And this isn’t as negative, or upsetting, as it sounds, because surely it’s better than flogging a dead relationship horse?

我常常想,男朋友和我若是年龄相仿,那么当初无论发生什么,我俩都不会分开,可这也只是痴人说梦话罢了。我们在特定的时间相遇,当时的我们都是单身,需要特定的东西。除此之外,他现在已经爱上了别人,而我也有了自己的心仪对象。未来我们或许还会爱上他人。这听起来令人消极沮丧,但事实恰恰相反,毕竟还有什么比吊死在一棵树上更糟糕的呢?


I told my friend – the instigator of so many break-ups (four) – a quote I came across after a fairly gruelling break-up of my own: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship”. I repeat this to everyone I meet. We’re often frightened of being single because of this fantasy that the One exists, and what if the person we are with is the One, even though it doesn’t feel right? We will ignore red flags. We will forgive too much. We will pretend everything is fine just because it all seems fine, and ignore everything that doesn’t fit that easy, comforting box. Worse, we will see the relationship as perfect, and blame ourselves when it falls apart, forgetting that it always takes two people for a situation to crumble. It takes two to lose communication, two to lose intimacy. And, most importantly, a relationship that has ended, for whatever reason, was a relationship that you’re better out of.

在经历了一次激烈的分手之后,我突然意识到:与其在糟糕的恋情当中饱受折磨,倒不如保持单身。我将这份感慨与我的朋友分享——她经历过四次分手,也与我遇见的每个人分享。我们心存着对真命天子的幻想,于是对单身满怀恐惧。万一和我们在一起的那个人就是我们的真命天子,但感觉不怎么对,怎么办?我们会忽略各种示意感情危机的信号,屡屡选择原谅。我们会假装一切都如看起来那般美好,忽略那些我们不想看到的事物。更糟糕的是,我们会将这段感情视作完美,任何问题出现都只会责怪自己,而忘了“一个巴掌是拍不响的”。从无所不谈到相对无言,从亲密无间到视同路人,双方都是有责任的。最重要的是,一段恋情无论出于什么原因而结束,你都不应再深陷其中。


We want the One so much that we will stay in situations long past their sell-by-date, and shame ourselves for acting like logical, rational people when we do initiate the beginning of the end. My friend recently ended a six-month relationship that didn’t feel right. Just like she would move on from a job or switch banks if it wasn’t working out. Relationships are more emotional, unless you really love banks, but it’s the same principle, and we need to stop feeling guilty, or that we’ve failed somehow. We don’t feel bad for leaving three jobs in our lifetime – if anything it shows focus and drive – so why should relationships be any different?

我们对真命天子的渴望太过强烈了,以至于即使恋情早已变质,我们仍迟迟不愿走出,并且对提出分手时那个理性冷静的自己感到羞耻。我朋友刚刚结束了一段长达6个月却不怎么合适的恋情,就像工作不合适换工作或是银行不合适换银行那样。相较之下,感情这件事更加情绪化,除非你真的很爱这个银行。但道理都是相通的,我们不应该感到羞耻,也不应该觉得自己很失败。一生换三份工作我们觉得没什么——反而显示出了你的专注与努力——那结束恋情展开新的生活又有什么不一样呢?


It’s so much easier to sound wise when you’ve made the mistakes yourself. I was in a bad relationship. There was cheating, lying, hot rage outside a noodle cafe down the road and, worse, a quiet disconnect I couldn’t verbalise that had crept into the spaces between the fights. Once I knew this, I promptly stayed with him for four years. Why? Because, along with the narrative of the One, we’re also told that relationships are up and down, that staying with someone is hard, and that sometimes you have to compromise.

只有当你亲自犯过错时,你说出来的话才会听起来特别有说服力。我曾经历过一段糟糕的恋情。这段恋情里有背叛,有谎言,有街边面店外的恶语相加,更糟糕的是有每次争吵后形同陌路般的冷战。这我都知道,但我还是和他待了四年。你问我为什么?因为除了“真命天子”的理论,我们也常被告知任何恋情都会磕磕盼盼,相处不易,有时候要做出妥协。

verbalise /’vɜːbəlaɪz,ˋvɝbḷ͵aɪz/ to express something in words 用言语[文字]表达


Ending that relationship remains one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, because, say it with me: “it’s better to be single than in the wrong relationship.” I met someone afterwards who helped me understand that relationships don’t have to be as difficult as I’d thought, and that compromise feels very different to constant, unnoticed sacrifice. I might change, he might change, we might not work out – but, on the other hand, who knows? One thing I am certain of is that now I will have the strength to leave, if it comes to that. As we all should.

结束那段恋情是我人生中做过的最棒的决定,因为,来,跟我念一遍:“与其在糟糕的恋情当中饱受折磨,倒不如保持单身。”之后我遇见了某人,他让我明白感情并不如我所想的那样困难重重,妥协也不等于一而再再而三地默默牺牲。我或许会有所改变,他也是,我们或许最后还是以分手告终——但再说了,谁又知道以后的事呢?可以确定的是,现在的我有了该放手时就放手的勇气。我们都应如此。


So, stop looking back on your break-ups as failures, and the people who didn’t work out as lost opportunities. You need to end things to move on and find the best person for you right now – not 10 years ago. And don’t feel bad if you find yourself single again, as hard as it sometimes feels. Because once you’ve had that much-needed cry, you can hold on to the fact that – yep, I’m saying it one last time – it’s better to be single, than in the wrong relationship. Screenshot it. Put it as your phone lock screen. Tile your bathroom with it. Just make sure you never forget it.

所以不要再将分手视作失败了,也不要再将不合适的人视作指缝间溜走的机会而感到惋惜了。你要开始新的生活,寻找当下最合适你的那个人,而不是适合10年前的你的那个人。即使重回单身,虽然有时候确实很难过,但也不要沮丧, 一旦你难受到想要放声大哭,你也可以好好想想——是的,这是我最后一次说了——与其在糟糕的恋情当中饱受折磨,倒不如保持单身。把这句话截屏下来,设为锁屏屏保,或是贴在浴室的墙壁上,确保自己不会忘记。


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【卫报】真爱易寻?

<原文链接:https://www.theguardian.com/the-relationship-project/2018/feb/21/how-many-break-ups-does-it-take-to-find-the-one>


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